IT'S not exactly been the best of summers for me.
Strange, when you consider my beloved Bristol Rovers have approached the new season with all guns blazing.
A new manager, a new stadium in the offing, 12 new players and a feeling of overwhelming optimism surrounds the Memorial Stadium.
I, on the other hand, have been cast aside like a bad Penny (sorry Dave!)
As my loyal reader will recall, I was working on the sports desk of a busy Sunday newspaper up in London.
I can reveal that the newspaper in question was, alas, the now extinct News of the World.
For my sins, I used to be in charge of organising the League One pages among other duties, meaning I would get an early insight into how the Gas were getting on that day.
Of course, since our relegation I was going to request a transfer - to the League Two beat.
But things came to an unexpected halt when, while spending a well-earned week at home on holiday, a mate rang as I was cooking the baby some gourmet food in the kitchen.
"It's the last edition of the News of the World on Saturday," he said.
"Don't talk b****cks," was my succinct reply. The pal in question has a nasty habit of trying to wind me up.
"Seriously," he persisted, "put on BBC news 24."
I tried to resist but underneath it all there was a nagging feeling he might be on the level.
All day I had been hearing that big advertisers like Sainsbury's and Argos - who, in a roundabout way, pay my wages - were withdrawing their advertising over the notorious hackgate affair.
And sure enough, there it was, tickertaping across the bottom of the screen as breaking news.
Bloody hell.
I'd joined the paper two years ago because newspaper journalism has been dying all around me and I formed the opinion that if the ship was sinking you might as well be on the one with the tallest mast.
No way at that stage could I have realised I was boarding the Titanic.
The really annoying thing is I never did get sent on the "how to hack someone's voicemail" course.
Otherwise, just imagine the gems I could reveal to fellow Gasheads on the fans forum.
Of course, my first job would have been to keep tabs on our former boss Paul Trollope and director of football Lennie Lawrence. I might well have been able to map out where it went wrong for them (other than the fact the team were getting thrashed every week, of course).
Transfers, for instance.
Our efforts to replace the deity that is Rickie Lambert with a striker of similar abilities.
Employ your imagination for just a second and this is what I might have been able to reveal...
"This is Paul Trollope, I'm not here at the moment but if you would care to leave your name and number I'll get back to you..."
"Mr Trollope, this is the solicitor representing Chris Wood, the West Bromwich Albion striker. I am calling to inform you that today we have applied to the high court for an injunction order forbidding you to contact our client any more.
"Your continual calls over the last few months amount to nothing more than stalking. Chris DOES NOT, and never has, wanted to join your football club."
Or how about this scenario...
"This is Lennie Lawrence etc etc.."
"Hi Mr Lawrence. Sod ya."
Next day: Rovers believe they are closing in on a deal for Charlton's Akpo Sodje and have let Darryl Duffy join Carlisle on loan to free up the wage bill.
Or maybe this...
"Hi Mr Lawrence, this is the agent for Chris Lines. He would love to sign his new, whopping mega contract but he will do so on one condition. That, when fit, Chris is GUARANTEED a place in the first team, however bad his form. We look forward to hearing from you."
Finally, imagine if you actually had the chance to monitor the answer phone of Nick Higgs...
"Hi Mr Higgs, this is David Penney. I would love to come and manage your club for a couple of months for a decent fee. I agree to the condition that I will try my hardest to make Bristol Rovers appear even worse than they have done already this season so that you can then publicly fire me, rip up the squad, and start again... emerging as the hero of the hour."
Of course, these conversations never took place.
It's all make believe.
But oh how I wish.
Got to go now though. Something urgent's just come up.
My sources tell me that Didier Drogba is on the line to Paul Buckle as we speak...
